Am I wicked?
by LupusDinFeros
Summary: Arthur has spent his whole life in fear of his own supernatural nature, and when his loved one dies in an accident he s forced to leave his normal life behind and live by his side in the woods. But one day, an american traveler happens to cross the wizards path and Arthur soon realises that the traveler have fallen for him.
1. Preview

"Am i wicked?"

"Of course not, why would you even say such a thing?"

"Then why…" Arthur's voice shook as he drew in a shaky breath. "... are they afraid of me?"

Arthur had always known that he was a bit different from other humans. To posses the ability to brew all kinds of potions, use magic to his liking and speak to mythical beings was something he knew that the average human couldn't do, but even so, he had never thought of himself as odd or… dangerous. After all ,he had never used his powers to harm or take advantage of other human beings. He was a so called white witch, but white or not, others still saw him as a witch, an abomination who must be taken cared of.

Arthur was well aware of this, and he didn't blame them for being afraid of the unknown, and he had therefore chosen to live his life in the shadows. It was a lonely life, but at least he was safe. But everything changed when he showed up, that naive American who refused to leave him alone.

"Leave me alone."

"Why?"

"Because i'm dangerous…"

"You don't look that dangerous."

"You little brat, don't test me." Arthur clenched his fist in anger as he stared up at the taller man.

"Oh, I'm so scared,"the American teased while his blue eyes shone, he was clearly enjoying himself.

"Bloody hell, just go away!" Arthur turned his back on the man and started to walk in the other direction.

"Nope,"

"Why?"

"Because...I like you."

Arthur stopped dead in his tracks. With just four words the foreign man had managed to shatter his whole world. No one had ever told him that they liked him before, not even once, and this goofy looking boy had just said it like it was nothing. He didn't know how to respond, so he did the only thing he could do. He just walked off.

"Stop, please!" Alfred desperately rushed after him and grabbed him by his wrist, careful not to hurt him."Don't, go," he whispered as he looked into the other man's emerald eyes.

Arthur closed his eyes as he took a calming breath before turning his gaze upon the younger man. "You can't possibly _like me_. We have only just met and you don't know anything about me."

"But I do." He scratched the back of his head, looking a bit shy as he watch Arthur's intense glance. "And that's not completely true…"

"What's not true?" His thick eyebrows knitted in confusion and frustration by the man's words.

"Well, I do know somethings about you…" he started, not entirely sure what words to use. " I know that you are a loner and that there is something different about you."

" Have you been stalking me?!"Arthur's cheeks turned red with anger as he tried to yank his arm free from the other's grip.

"No no, of course not!" Alfred panicked by the Englishman's words. He hadn't meant to sound so creepy. "It's just… there's rumours about a young male living out in the woods all by himself. They say that he is a dangerous man, a monster…"

Arthur had lost count of how many times that word had been used to describe him a long time ago. It used to hurt him deeply, but now he didn't even flinch. "Well, that sounds like me…"

"No it doesn't. I don't know who they were talking about, but it was certainly not you. No one as cute looking as you could ever be a monster."

He was finally able to break loose from the grasp around his wrist. "Who are you to say that?" Arthur already knew who he was and he didn't need, nor wanted, to hear the other man speak up for him.

"Are you blushing?" Alfred teased as he saw the older man's light skin shift into a soft pink, and a small laugh escaped his lips as Arthur turned away his face.

"I'm not."

"You totally are." He smirked by the other man's reaction. This man surely was something special and Alfred had no intentions of letting him go. "Your embarrassment makes you even more adorable."

Arthur was indeed embarrassed. How dared that git speak back to him like that? Who did he think he was? Annoyed by the American´s flirtation, Arthur clenched his teeth, trying to keep calm. "Well, it has been a … pleasure… to met you, but I better get going." He then turned away from the surprised man and once again started to walk away, hoping that he would leave him alone this time.

Alfred stood dumbfounded with his mouth half open. He wanted to shout at him, to keep him from leaving, but the words were stuck in his throat. It was true that he didn't know anything about this man, except the twisted truth told by the locals, but for some reason he didn't want him to walk off. So he ignored all thought that were driving him crazy and rushed after him, embracing him from behind.

"Bloody hell, get off me already!"

Alfred didn't care about the insults being thrown at him, the feeling of being near the other man was too great. He wanted more of this warmth, like an addict craves the drug he craved the presence of the shorter male. His voice, his smell, his warmth, he needed it all. So he carefully grabbed his shoulder, turning him around and facing him. The englishman was furious by the sudden attack,cursing wildly at the foreign man. Alfred took his chance and gently grabbed Arthur's chin with his other hand and placed his lips against his. Shocked by the kiss he shut his eyes in discomfort while his whole body went numb. He didn't know what to do or what to feel. Here he was, standing in the middle of a forest and kissing a complete stranger, a man for that matter. Every fiber of his being knew that this was wrong. He should just break through and run far far away from this man, but he didn't want to. He knew that it was dangerous getting this close to a human, but his body refused to move. No matter how hard he tried to get away he couldn't run. It almost seemed like the two of them was bound together by some kind of spell.

Just as Arthur was about to lose himself in his thoughts, Alfred broke the kiss, drawing in a deep breath before looking down at him. It was over… The kiss was over, and Arthur didn't know whether to be relieved or disappointed. "Why did you do that?" Still a bit shocked the only thing he could do was stare out into nothingness, not daring to face the man in front of him.

"I'm sorry. I guess that I couldn't hold myself back anymore." He smiled his childish smile and closed his eyes.

"Wanker, you can't just attack someone and molest them! Don't you have any self-control?!" The words just flew out of his mouth before he could think them through.

"Molest is such a harsh word, don't you think?" Even though Alfred had let go of his chin he still had a good grip on Arthur's shoulder. "Besides, did you really hate it that much?"

Arthur's face was growing redder by every word that escaped the other man's lips. What was wrong with him? How could he let this happen? All this years he had managed to live by himself, shut away, isolated from the world. Yes, he had been alone, but he had been strong enough to live on. So why did he feel so weak in the other man's presence? How could this man shatter the barrier he had built to protect himself and others with just a few words?

"Of course I did!" Arthur hissed in response, finally raising his head to look at the blond man.

Alfred leaned in and whispered into Arthur's ear. "Liar."

"Fine, I guess there's no other way…" Arthur drew a deep breath, carefully thinking over his next move before drawing his wand from his coat pocket. Was this really a good idea? Arthur knew that he shouldn't show his true powers to a human. He was tired of being falsely accused of being a monster just because he possessed some unusual skills, but this man was really starting to get on his nerves.

"What do you mean?" Even though he was still wearing his confident smile, Arthur could see the nervosity in his blue eyes which only encouraged him to go further.

Arthur stretched out his arm to the side and pointed the tip of his wand towards an old three, his eyes still fixated on the taller male."Incendio," he said with a clear voice and watched the surprise in Alfred's face as flames protruded from the tip of his dark wand.

"Wow, thats amazing! When the townspeople warned me about a witch I seriously thought that they had lost it, but just look at you! You are incredible!" His eyes were brighter than ever as he looked down at Arthur with pure amazement. His unexpected reaction took Arthur by surprise as he had thought that the other would run away in fear. Disappointed by the result he drew in a breath and called out a spell to extinguish the fire he had caused. "Aqua eructo."

Alfred watched in excitement as water shot out from the end of Arthur's wand and quickly grabbed hold of both his shoulders. "You have to teach me, man. That would be so cool!"

Annoyed by the clingy man, Arthur raised his wand and pressed it against his throat. "I warned you about me and still you refuse to leave me alone. Are you suicidal or just stupid?"

"Calm down, kitty."

"Are you both blind and deaf? Why aren't you afraid? Why aren't you running?" He crabbed the wand with both hands and looked him dead in the eyes. "I can cause you massive pain with just one simple word, I could even kill you if I wanted to, so why? Why can't you see me for the monster I truly am?!" He tried to keep calm, but his hands were shaking in both anger and fear. Who was this man and why did he make him feel so small, so hopeless? What was this cruel faith? Everything had worked out perfectly fine for him up until now, so why? Why was this happening to him?

Alfred kept silent as as he felt the wand press deeper into his throat. He could feel the wooden texture scratch against his skin as the trembling of the hands holding it got worse, and he couldn't take it. He knew that he had been a bit intimidating, but he never wanted to cause him any harm. With the wand still dangerously close to his throat he embraced Arthur and held him close to his broad chest.

At first he could feel the other man tense up, but he soon let his hands fall to his sides. He loosened his grip on the wand and let it fall to the ground as he broke down.

"Who could´ve hurt you so badly that you believe that you are some kind of evil beast?" Alfred was still taken aback by the sudden change of the atmosphere, but his instincts kicked in. He wasn't quite sure of what he had done exactly, but he knew what he needed to do, so he hugged the other male tight as he stroked the back of his head in a calming motion. "It's okay, you don't need to hide anymore. I'm here now."

Arthur's heart stopped for a second as a single tear escaped the corner of his eye and made its way down his cheek. He would never have imagined that those simple words of comfort would have such a strong impact on him, but all those years of isolation must have left some deep scars.

"I…" he tried, but his voice broke as more tears started to run down his face. "I never wanted to hurt anyone. I-I tried everything, but it was already too late."Arthur grabbed hold of Alfred's coat, sobbing into his shoulder. He never wanted to remember what he did so many years ago that caused all those awful rumours about him to spread amongst the townspeople. The guilt and regret that had washed over him had paralyzed him, leaving him in a sobbing mess as the yelling and name calling echoed around him.

"Hush now. Everything is alright. You are alright," Alfred whispered into the nap of his neck as he shifted his body, letting Arthur rest his forehead against his shoulder.

Arthur, afraid that the other man would pull away and leave, tightened his grip on the other´s coat as he cried out. "Please, don't leave me. Promise, you will stay."

"I will never leave your side, I promise."


	2. Chapter 1

Back then he didn't even know my name, but that fact didn't seem to bother him. And honestly, I didn't either. I barked at him and even threatened to hurt him, but in the end I clinged to him as I cried into his shoulder. Im such a child. But i'm glad. I have lived my life alone, hidden away in the depths of the forest, for so long now, I was so afraid of being seen as a monster that I forgot how it's like to be human somewhere along the way. How it feels to love, to be loved, to feel pain and sorrow. And I could never have imagined that that easy going American would be my lifeline.

"Arthur!"

Alfred followed the small forest path that lead him to their simple cottage, a silly smile on his face as he called the british man´s name. "Arthur, guess who's home!" When no one answered him he started to get a bit anxious since the older man always greeted him at the front door, and when his eye caught the sight of dark smoke belching out of the chimney he called out his name in a panicked voice.

"Arthur!"

Alfred ran up the stairs and ran through the door, clutching the bag of groceries tightly to his chest as he called out the blond man´s name. He quickly made his way into the kitchen only to find Arthur swearing by the stove as he looked down on a plate with what looked like burned chunks of coal. "Bloody hell, I don't understand…"

"Oh my God, Arthur! You scared the living crap out of me! I thought the house was on fire!" Alfred dropped to his knees as he embraced the confused man.

"Don't be ridiculous. It was just a little smoke.

" A little smoke? I thought you were…" He tightened his grip on the other male as he drew a calming breath. "Never mind. What were you trying to do anyway?"

Arthur looked down in shame as he mumble out an answer. " I wanted to surprise you… to thank you for your hard work." Arthur blushed as he felt the man's eyes on him.

"Ah, you truly are hopeless." Alfred tousled Arthur's hair before getting up on his feet. "How you managed to live all those years by yourself really is a mystery to me." He reached over to the stove and grabbed one of Arthur's burned chocolate chip cookies and took a bite out of it. Even though the taste of the burnt sweet was overwhelming, he managed to keep a straight face as he finished his gift.

"I'm usually quite good in the kitchen, but when I´m trying to make something for you… well, I always seem to mess it up in one way or another."

Alfred smiled by his answer, the fact that the british man tried his hardest to make something just for him was adorable, even if it tasted like burnt coal. "Good thing I brought more ingredients from town. Maybe we can make it together next time.?"

"I would love that, thank you." Even if the older man never would admit it, the thought of him and Alfred baking together made him very happy. He enjoyed every minute they spent together and he never wanted it to end. Every morning when Alfred left to town, Arthur would feel a paralyzing loneliness. And when he later returned to him, he felt an overwhelming happiness. It seemed like he could never get enough of the loving American, and every second without him felt like an eternity.

"Oh, I almost forgot." Alfred walked over to the bag that he had left on the table and started to dig through it, and he smiled his childish smile as he pulled out an old looking book. "I brought you a new book."

Arthur´s face lit up with excitement as he grabbed the book with both hands, yanking it from Alfred's hands. Books had always been a big part of his course, he had read a few in his study to become a more powerful wizard, but those didn't count. Novels, books full of imagination and sweet words about a land far away where everyone have their happy ending had always been his favorites. It gave him the illusion of being a normal human being and the opportunity to just forget who he truly was, even if it just lasted for a few hours.

"How did you get it?" He happily flipped through the paged, smiling at the brightly coloured pictures of princesses, dragons and other mythical creatures. He suddenly stopped, aware of Alfred's silence and nervously looked up at him, clutching the fairytale book to his chest.

"It doesn't matter. I'm glad you liked it."

Arthur's eyes widened as he tightened his grip on the book. "You didn't... hurt anyone, did you`? "

"Don't be silly" He gave him a kiss on the forehead and patted his head. "I picked it up from a local book shop. They were apparently going to burn it."

Arthur let out a breath of relief as he leaned in to give Alfred a hug. He knew that the other man would never hurt anyone, his soul was far too gentle to ever cause any harm. He just wanted to hear his voice, to be assured that everything was alright and that no evil could ever reach him again. He was his light in this dark and cold world, and he was terrified that that flame would one day fade away and leave him alone in the shadows.

"Burn, you say?"

"Yeah, apparently no one reads this kind of stuff anymore. Seems like not even the kids falls for fairy tales anymore."

"They are afraid…" He let his forehead rest against Alfred´s broad chest, hiding his face as his hands started to tremble.

"Afraid? What do you mean?"

"That's why they want to burn them, because they are afraid. They are scared that the fairy tales will come true and that the evil, the monsters, will find them. So they burn them." Tears started to fall down his cheeks as the trembling got worse. "I'm so scared, Alfred. If they want to burn those books, then some day they might want to burn me as well..."

Alfred hugged the crying male tighter to his chest as he hushed him. "Don't you ever say something like that again! Haven't I already made the promise? I will protect you. I would never let them hurt you. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I let anything happened to you."

The nights were always the worst. At night when the moon and the stars were the only light and when every sounds was loud and clear, it was a lot harder to believe that one is safe and that the monsters are nothing more than our brains playing a trick on us.

Arthur had curled up next to Alfred in the bed and everything had seemed calm. Maybe they would be able to get a good amount of sleep this night. The thought had barely struck Alfred's mind when he heard Arthur cry out as he reached out his hand in his sleep, desperately searching for something to hold on to. "Please… I didn't meant to…" he cried out in his sleep with sorrow trembling in his voice. "I didn't mean to… I'm sorry."

To hear the smaller man cry and beg for forgiveness in his sleep was nothing new, but still, to hear his weak and scared voice was heartbreaking. Because Alfred knew that no matter what he did, he would never be able to save him from the bad memories that haunted him. He could wake him up, but that would only hold the dreams at bay temporarily, and as soon as he let the other man close his eyes they would start all over again. That fact made Alfred feel so useless. He had sworn to protect him, to never leave the other´s side. But he was helpless against the demons that had nested deep inside of Arthur's mind.

"No, no please don't! I didn't do it. I,,, I don't want to burn!" Arthur cried out in fear as his trembling got out of hand.

"Hush now." Alfred wrapped his arms around Arthur's shaking body and pulled him closer to his chest as he stroked his blond hair. "You are safe. I'm right here. You won't burn, Arthur." Arthur pressed his face against Alfred's chest and gripped his shirt tightly, afraid that he would leave him.

"I was trying to save her. I didn't…"

"I know. I'm so sorry, Arthur" Alfred wiped away the cold sweet from Arthur's forehead and gave him a kiss as he listened to the other man's breathing slowly return to normal as he started to calm down.

It was never easy to watch him in this state. The normally cocky and proud man looked so small and weak in his sleep, it was hard to believe that the same man had once threatened to hurt him with his magic.

Even though Alfred had wondered to himself what had happened to Arthur to cause him so much pain, he never dared to ask in fear of bringing back unpleasant memories. He had seen the older male break down in panic attacks and stayed up many night trying to calm Arthur down far too many times already to ever want to do or say anything to cause him further harm. He believe that the other man would tell him when the time was right and he respected that. After all, Arthur had never felt the need to ask him about his past, and maybe they didn't need too. The only thing that really mattered was the future, as long as they stayed together everything would be alright.

"You can rest now, Arthur. I will watch over you, so don't you worry. I won't let them get to you."


	3. Chapter 2

When the morning sun kissed Alfred's cheek he opened his sky blue eyes only to find that the other man had already left. Since the older man had troubles with sleeping, waking up alone was something that he had gotten rather used to, but sometimes he wished that they could wake up together and greet each other with a morning kiss in the early sunlight. But his wished didn't really matter, not now anyway. As long as he could wake up and enjoy another day together with Arthur and see his smile it didn't matter what he wanted. He had come to this land in hopes of finding a new life, and he had found one. It may not have been perfect, but it didn't have to be. He was happy, and he could see in Arthur's eyes that he was happy too. Sure, the walls that he had built up during all those years of isolation had been hard to break down, but every second he had spent trying to get the other to open up had been worth it. It was true that Arthur still was a quite fiery person, but that's what Alfred liked about him. Arthur didn't want pity from no one, he refused to be looked down on, and even though he was desperate for help his pride wouldn't let him beg anyone for it. And every time Alfred caught him in one of his weak moments or saw him break down, he would always hide away in shame of showing such a small and pathetic part of himself. Alfred knew that they were all parts of Arthur's personality, both for good and bad, but he didn't care. To see Arthur's putting on an act only motivated Alfred to work harder, to show the other man even more affection.

Suddenly the smell of smoke caught Alfred's attention and caused him to snap out of his deep a bit shaken from yesterday's event he rose from the bed and made his way into the kitchen.

"What are you doing this early in the morning, Arthur? Trying to burn the house to the ground" Alfred asked while he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

Alfred jumped by the other man's sudden appearance and blushed, ashamed of being caught in the same act as before. "Shut up, wanker!"

A small laugh escaped from Alfred's lips as he walked over to the struggling man by the stove. "Baking scones?"

"Well…" He tried to hide the burnt scones by stepping in front of the stove, but he couldn't hide the smell off his failed creation. "I tried to.

Alfred walked up to the ashamed man and embraced him in a hug. He gently tipped his chin up and gave him a light kiss. Alfred could feel the heat from the other man's lips as Arthur's face grew redder until Alfred let go of his face. "I really appreciate your cooking, but you know…" He couldn't help but smile at Arthur´s clearly blushing face as he still hadn't quite gotten over the shock of the sudden kiss. " You can always ask for help. To accept an outstretched hand doesn't make you incapable or weak."

Arthur pulled away from Alfred's embrace, hands trembling as he turned his back on him. "Don't you think I know that, brat?" Of course he knew that, but still… It somehow still sounded like a lie told by a weak and pathetic coward. Arthur had managed perfectly fine by himself so why would he need help now? He wanted to believe in his own words, in his own strength, but it all felt so hollow and empty. Maybe he was just a scared and weak man who desperately tried to hide behind the facade of a strong lone wolf.

"Silly wizard. I tell you, it really is a mistery to me how you didn't starve to death all those years by yourself. " He laughed as he picked up one of the blackish scones from the plate on the stove." But i'm really glad you didn't. I don't know what I would have done, what life I would be living right now, if I hadn't stumbled into you in that forest."

"Well, you must be a mad man for wanting to stay with me. I threatened to hurt you, don't you remember?" he spat out, immediately regretting the harshness in his voice.

Alfred took a deep breath, a weak smile on his face, as he reached out to touch Arthur's shoulder. He closed the distance between them and embraced Arthur from behind. "Not everything need to be like in a fairy tale, you know. The princess doesn't need to be a weak girl who´s waiting for her savior to come riding on a white horse. Your home doesn't need to be a magnificent castle surrounded by a beautiful rose garden. The witch doesn't need to be evil." Alfred stopped to take a deep breath before whispering in Arthur's ear. "And what's burnt doesn't need to be dead." He let go of Arthur, allowing him turn around and face him while he scraped away the burnt layer that coated the scone in his hand, revealing a golden brown surface. He lifted the scone to Arthur's face while smiling. "See, it looks fine on the inside. Why don't we enjoy them together? What do you say, Arthur?

A bit shocked by Alfred's words, Arthur just nodded his head a little. Alfred shone up like the sun and started to prepare the breakfast while Arthur seated himself by the simple wooden table. He didn't understand why Alfred cared so much about some simple scones. It wasn't like it was anything special or anything, and he could easily have baked a new batch. But it did make him happy though to see the silly man smile. To hear the other´s caring words made him feel needed, almost loved… No, Arthur didn't dare to even think about something so absurd. He knew that the other man didn't love him, not in that way anyway, and even if he did he knew that it would never last. It never did.

"Stop thinking so much. Alfred placed the plate of baked bread on the table along with some butter and marmalade. He then pulled out a chair across from Arthur and sat down, a worried expression on his face.

"I'm not."

"Yes, you are. I can see it in your eyes…"

"My eyes?"

"They have lost their spark." Alfred sounded sad as he let those words spill from his mouth, he didn't mean to sound depressing, but he couldn't help it. To see Arthur looking so down scared him a bit. He had no idea what the other man was going through and he didn't know how much more he could take. "I don't regret meeting you in the forest that day, and I meant every word I said. I really do like you, Arthur, that wasn't a lie and it never will be."

Arthur didn't respond to Alfred's words, he didn't even look at him. He just stared blankly at the half burnt scones on the table.

"And I understand if you don't feel the same, but please, don't shut yourself in like this. You don't need to do everything alone, you know. I want to be with you, to be close to you..."

"Shut up! Please, just shut up."

"Arthur?"

"You don't like me. If you knew what I have done… what I…" tears started to fall from Arthur's eyes as he lost control of his stuttering words. He wanted to cry out, to ease the burden in his chest, but tried his hardest to keep it in. " I-I need to go," he finally said in a weak voice as he rose from his chair and quickly made his way out of the kitchen, not even looking at Alfred ones.

"Arthur! Arthur, please!" Alfred shouted after him. He could easily have just grabbed hold of his thin arms or run after him, but he thought best not to. "I'm sorry…"

Arthur quickly left the kitchen, not daring to even look at the worried expression on Alfred's face, and made his way through the main door and out into the garden. He was gasping for air and his heart was running wild in his chest, but he didn't stop walking. Arthur didn't know what to do, but he knew that he needed to get away from the house. From Alfred… The thought saddened him, he wanted to trust him, to hold him tightly, but he couldn't. He wasn't allowed to, no, not ever. He had sworn to never get close to anyone again.

Arthur stumbled over some roots as he walked through the forest, not really caring about where the road lead him. He was finally starting to calm down and he could feel the fear and anxiety slowly leave his body. Even if the forest had functioned as a prison, a barrier that kept him and the village separated, he still felt calmness amongst the trees and the smell of earth. He drew a deep breath, filling his lungs with cold fresh air.

"What am I doing?" he thought to himself as he headed deeper into the wood. "Im acting like a child, running away from my fears instead of facing them!" Arthur kicked a pinecone that happened to be in his path and watch it fly into the moss. "No, it was Alfred. Why couldn't he just shut up? And everything because of some burned scones?"

Suddenly Arthur felt the feeling of exhaustion wash over him, and he had to lean against a tree to keep himself standing. "Why am I so tired?" he quickly searched the area with his eyes and he soon found the cause of his sleepiness. He had thought that it was nothing more than ordinary moss, but on closer inspection he saw that the plants was a troop of greenish mushrooms. To his shock he could sense a gas like substance oozing out from the fungus. It appeared that he had accidentally triggered its "defence mechanism" by kicking that pinecone.

Mad at his own stupidity he slammed his fist against the tree, feeling the rough bark scratch his skin. Knowing the effects of the mushrooms very well, Arthur tried to cover his nose and mouth with the sleeve of his shirt, but it was already too late. He had already breathed in enough of the gas and his legs gave in on him. He could feel the bark ripping his skin through the fabric of his already dirty shirt as he slid down the tree and hit the ground with a thud. "Im such an idiot." he laughed weakly as he felt himself slip into unconsciousness.


	4. Chapter 3

_The sun was shining high above the village and its busy streets. People were rushing about, buying and trading goods from the street market that slithered through the dirty streets and narrow alleys like a serpent. The sounds flowing from the town and the noise of the ocean blended together to create a peaceful soundtrack, fitting for the beautiful scenery. But Arthur didn't think too much about the loud voices that echoed around him as he strode down the street. This is where he grew up after all, this small village surrounded by wild waters and great woods, far away from the modernity of city life, Here, warm water in your showers and electricity was a privilege, but that's what made the village so charming. He enjoyed the simplicity of it and its people. And living in a town that kept itself isolated from modern technology and medicine did have its benefits. While most people supported themselves through either fishing, baking, craftsmanship or simple trading, Arthur had managed to make a living out of selling different kinds of orbs and teas. It wasn't much, but it was enough. He had managed to live a quiet and steady, and normal, life upp till now, and he wasn't going to do anything to risk losing it all._

 _Arthur turned into one of the alleyways, a pleased sigh escaping him as he made his way to the market stand he had been looking for._

" _Good day, sir." The old man behind the table greeted him with a smile on his lips as Arthur approached him._

" _And good day to you," Arthur answered while taking of his hat for the older man. "Have you received my order?"_

" _Yes, I have. In fact, I happen to have it right here," the elder turned around to pick up a small package from one of the boxes stacked behind the table. "I must say, this wasn't easy to get my hands on," the continued as he returned to his proper place behind the table and placed the small bundle in front of Arthur._

" _And I truly appreciate you taking the trouble to get this for me," Arthur smiled as he dug around in his coat pocket for a few golden coins._

" _You sure are an odd man, Mr. Kirkland. Always asking for rare herbs and plants, but I guess I should poke my nose into other's business. You are my best customer after all. "_

 _Arthur placed the coins on the wooden table and reach for the herbs carefully wrapped up in parchment paper. " I can assure you, I'm nothing more than a simple herbalist," he smiled and thanked the man again before taking his leave. He placed the package in his pocket and started to walk back down the alley._

 _Suddenly a pair of pale hands covered his eyes and he could feel a warm breath on his neck. "Emily," he whispered as he gently touched the hands of his lovingly fiancée._

" _Ive missed you so," The girl whispered in his ear. Arthur slowly removed her hands from his eyes and turned around to cup her face in his hands. "Silly girl, I was only away for a short while." He gently pressed his lips against hers, he could feel the heat from her lips and the burning flame inside her heart as he hug her tighter._

 _Arthur finally broke the kiss and looked at the beautiful young girl in front him. How he loved those deep blue eyes and that long blond hair that danced in the wind. He took her hand in his and brought it up to his lips before kissing it. "I missed you too," he said with a smile as he saw those ocean eyes lightening up with happiness._

" _Wake up, Arthur," she giggled and brought her hand up to touch his chin._

 _Arthur knitted his big eyebrows in confusion at her words. "But, I am awake," he laughs nervously as he looked at her._

" _Wake up."_

" _Emily, what's wrong?" Arthur was starting to get worried by the girl's sudden change of topic. He had laughed it off as a silly joke, but when Emily started to repeat herself like a mindless doll, he could no longer keep his worries away._

" _Please, wake up!" She suddenly raised her voice, and Arthur could feel himself slipping in and out of consciousness. His vision started to get blurry and he desperately tried to grasp at something, anything, as he felt himself sink down on his knees._

" _Wake up! Arthur, please!"_

"Arthur!"

"Emily?" The beautiful face of the girl he once held so dearly vorped into the face of the silly American as he slowly opened his eyes. He looked deep into Alfred's ocean blue eyes, now stormy with worry and fear for the man under him.

"Arthur," he whispered barely audible as he drew the still drowsy man into his chest, hugging him tightly.

Arthur finally snapped out of his confusion when the familiar smell of the man reached him- the smell of safety, and tears started to run down his cheeks. "I saw her…" He said with a hoarse voice as he pressed his face into Alfred's shoulder.

"Who did you see?" Alfred asked carefully, not wanting to trigger any bad memories.

"Emily" Arthur said weakly as he clutched the fabric of Alfred's coat tightly. "I saw Emily."

Alfred didn't know much about Arthur's past life,, but he knew enough to feel a stink of sorrow in his heart when the sobbing man whispered her name. Emily was the young town girl that Arthur had fallen in love with. But she was also the girl whose name the englishman would cry out during his feverish dreams as he desperately begged for forgiveness.

"Oh, Arthur." Alfred wrapped his arms around Arthur's trembling body and held him close, not ever wanting to let the other man out of his sight again. He felt a strong need to protect the older man, even though Arthur had made it quite clear that he didn't want nor needed his help. He could see all the cracks in his facade and he was willing to give up everything to heal him again and mend his broken heart. So he sat there on the dirty ground, holding the man tightly as he listened to the broken sobs of the man he loved, not caring about the cold air hitting his face.

The sapphire sky quickly turned into a pitch black darkness and Alfred, still holding the other male in a tight embrace, peered up at the stars and the silver moon, letting his face bath in their light. "We should probably head back before you catch a cold," Alfred whispered as he stroked Arthur's blond hair.

"Yeah, you are right," he managed to answer with a dry voice as he slowly rose to his feet, still feeling a little unsteady from the gas.

Alfred reached out to take Arthur's hand in his and smiled in relief when he didn't feel the usual rejection from the other. Maybe Arthur was just too tired to even care, or maybe he had actually started to accept the other man's affections. The thought made Alfred feel warm inside. He didn't really care about the reason, he was just happy to be close to him.

"I'm sorry…" His voice was barely audible, but Alfred could hear it loud and clear. That weak and defeated voice, the voice filled with so much sorrow and shame. Alfred had heard that voice many times before, and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't stop his heart from aching.

Alfred gently squeezed Arthur's hand as they followed the path back to their small cottage. "For what?" Alfred already knew the answer to that question. To say sorry and apologise had become a habit of sort to the englishman, it was the only word he could choke out when he was in this state, even if he had no reason to do so.

"For everything," he started, his lips trembling as he tried to keep his emotions under control, not wanting to show Alfred any more of his weakness. "I- I know that you are trying to open up to me, to make me trust you. And I know that you care about me…" Arthur stopped to draw a shaky breath before continuing. "And I'm sorry that I can't show the same affection back to you. I want to forget and move on, but I can't. I'm trying,I really am, but i just ..."

Alfred couldn't bear to listen to his trembling words. He didn't need to hear him apologize for feeling the way he did. Alfred already knew that the other man was doing his best, and he had already accepted the fact that Arthur may never be able to truly love him back.

"I'm tired of feeling this weak, this shameful. I want to be able to live in the present, to live with you and …

Alfred suddenly leaned in and captured Arthur's lips before the man got the chance to finish his sentence. A silent tear ran down Arthur's flushed chin as he let go of all thoughts and fully lost himself in Alfred´s warmt. All this time, he had fought to maintain control, to stay strong all by himself, but he could no longer lie to himself. He liked to be held by the American, to feel his heat and to listen to his steady heartbeat as he rested his head against his broad chest.

When Alfred slowly broke the kiss, Arthur could feel a sting of disappointment in his chest. He wanted to cherish that moment, to freeze time and just stay like that forever. "I love you, Arthur. And no matter how long it may take for you to recover, I will wait for you. I made a promise that day in the forest, I said that I would never leave your side, and I would rather die than break that promise."

Without thinking, Arthur pressed up against the other man and kissed him. His action had caught Alfred of guard who stared down at him in surprise, but he soon run his hand through Arthur's blonde hair, holding him closer. Alfred didn't really know how to react to Arthur's sudden change of heart. He wanted to move forward, to take their relationship to another level, but held those selfish wishes to himself. The last thing he wanted to do was to move to fast and watch Arthur retrieve behind those cold stone walls that he had once built to keep himself distant from the rest of the world. He loved this man, more than words could ever express, so he stayed still, with his lips pressed against Arthur's as he let him take the lead. Maybe showing Arthur that it was in fact okay for him to let go and move forward, and that he was capable of doing so himself would give him some of his confidence back.

Arthur slowly broke away from the kiss, his lips still tingling from the warmth, and drew a shaky breath. " I thought the prince was supposed to fall in love with the princess and live happily ever after in a grand castle…" he said as those green eyes gazed up at Alfred's ocean blues. Alfred couldn't help but let out a soft laugh by the English man´s words. Arthur, always so obsessed with these childish fairy tales filled with princess and princesses, evil witches and true love's kisses. "But why would I want a princess, when I have a handsome wizard right here in front of me," he whispered as he caressed Arthur's smooth chin. "Beside, I like our little cottage. It may not be the greatest of houses, but it's nice and cosy. And most importantly, it's home."


	5. Chapter 4

They made their way back to the cottage in silence, their hands entwined. Their little quarrel from earlier was long forgotten, but even so things were far from back to normal. Since Arthur was still exhausted from the dream, Alfred had offered to carry him back through the wood, and to Alfred's surprise the englishman had let him without any complaints. Alfred felt like a proud parent watching his child taking his first stumbling steps. Just a few weeks back Artur would never let Alfred get this close to him, just simply touching his arms or shoulders would cause the other male to flinch, but he had now buried his face in the crock of Alfred's neck as they stepped out of the forest.

Arthur had allowed his muscles to relax as he slowly closed his eyes. He could smell the strong scent of the american, a mix of cinnamon and wood, as he snuggled closer to him. As they neared the old cabin they called home, Arthur felt his heart sink in his chest. Accepting the help of Alfred had only been a temporary thing that he could blame on his lack of energy, but now when he was carried in through the doorway he didn't want this moment to end. He desperately clinked onto Alfred's strong arms out of pure instinct, not realising what he had done until it was already too late.

"Arthur?" Alfred asked worriedly as he looked down and into those pure green eyes.

"I'm fine"

Alfred could tell from the sound of his voice that he not in fact fine, but he let it be, not wanting to push him more than he had already done, and finally let him down. "Can you stand or are you still feeling ill?"

"I think I can handle it," he answered as he pressed a hand to the wall to stabilize himself. He was still feeling a bit drowsy, but he didn't want to worry Alfred. It was bad enough that he had caught him having that bad dream, so he smiled softly and turned his back as he made his way to the bedroom. Then, before entering the room, he stopped in the doorway and whispered "thank you", his back still turned, before he closed the door behind him.

"Arthur…" Alfred really wanted to follow him and lay down beside him in bed, but he figured it would be best to give his partner some space for a bit, to give him a chance to calm down and gather his thoughts. So he headed into the simple kitchen where the scones from the morning's breakfast still decorated the table.

As soon as he had managed to escape the gaze of his love, Arthur pressed his back against the closed door as slowly slid down it. "Love"? Was that really the right word to use when describing the feelings he felt towards the American? He buried his face in his hands and let out a breath he hadn't realised he had kept. "Love" How could a word that had previously meant so much to him scare him so much? This confusion, all these horrible thoughts hurt so bad. He truly was a mess.

Arthur had known from the start that things wouldn't work out between the two. He had spent so much time alone that he had almost forgotten about the outside world. In this little cabin in the woods, far away from other human beings, he could live his life in peace, without fear and bad memories. He had made this little place his own safe zone, a place where no one could touch him. So when the easy going American stumbled into him on that fateful day he felt overwhelmed, scared. His first instinct at the time had been to scare Alfred away, like a predator defending its territory, and even though the American´s boyish attitude had annoyed him, he was glad that his weak threats didn't work.

As his thoughts started to spin in his head he hugged his body tighter. He knew that he had some issues, some that had left behind deep scars, but he desperately wanted to move past that. It didn't matter if it caused him to experience awful panic attacks or if his sleep was disturbed by nightmares, because Arthur knew that no matter how deep he fell into his past, Alfred would always be by his side to pick him up again. Like a knight in shining armor, Alfred was always there no matter what, and that's what hurts the most because Arthur knew that he couldn't do the same for him. At least not right now, but he deeply wished that he could.

He wouldn't exactly call these feelings "love", he wasn't ready for those kinds of deep feelings yet, but he knew that he wanted Alfred to be something more to him than just a friend. Yes, it was true that friends care for each other, and it's not that uncommon for them to share a space, but they did so much more than that. They hugged each other, slept in the same bed, made breakfast together, and sometimes, even if Alfred was always the one who initiated it, kissed. It was all so complicated and difficult to understand. Arthur wasn't even homosexual. His first true love had been his precious Emily and he had loved her unconditionally, he still did even though he knew that she was long gone. So why did he always feel so warm in his presence? Why couldn't he even manage simple tasks whenever the american was around? Why did he no longer want to push him away when he leaned in to capture his lips in a tender kiss?

"Arthur?"

Arthur jumped from the sudden voice coming from behind the door. All his messy thoughts dissolved when he heard Alfred call out his name. He didn't know what to do. One part of him wanted to just ignore him and let his thought cloud his mind, but some part of him wished that Alfred would enter the room and wrap his arms around him.

" Please, if you're still awake, open the door." His voice sounded so soft, like he was pleading Arthur to give him a chance to make everything alright again, even though he had done nothing wrong to begin with. He's such a fool.

Arthur slowly rose from the floor and grabbed the doorknob with a shaky hand. With a deep breath he turned the knob and opened the door. He was immediately welcomed by a warm smile and hopeful blue eyes.

"I didn't wake you, did I?" His behavior reminded Arthur of a faithful dog, a big goofy golden retriever, who never left his owner's side. And this was exactly why Arthur had such a hard time to stay angry at the younger male for long. He didn't want to admit it, but Alfred's big puppy eyes and childish smile was his biggest weakness and Alfred had made sure to take advantage of that throughout the year they spent together.

"Don't worry, I just needed some time to calm down."

"I see..." Even though the American referred from speaking, which alone was quite odd considering Alfred outgoing and extroverted personality, Arthur could sense the unspoken words hanging in the air.

"It's sure been a crazy day today, don't you agree." Arthur tried to keep the conversation going but his lack of social-skills just made the situation even more awkward. He could tell by the expression on Alfred's face that he was thinking about something, but for some reason he just nodded and stayed silent.

Arthur crossed his arms over his chest and sighed before opening his mouth to speak. "Okej, just spit it out."

Alfred flinched by the englishman´s sudden words. "Wha- what are you talking about?"

"I'm not stupid you know. I can tell that you are hiding something from me." He slowly reached out his arm and lightly touched the other man's cheek.

"I…" he hesitated to speak the words he's been thinking about for so long out loud. This could either be a huge step in the right direction for them both in their relationship and for Arthur's well being, but it could also shatter everything that they had worked so hard to build up together.

He breathed in slowly and placed his hand over Arthur's. " I-I want to do it with you." He could feel the anxiety tingle in his body as he breathed the words out. Alfred carefully watched Arthur's expression change from confusion to surprise. "Only if you want to of course. I would never force you to do it," he quickly stuttered out, afraid that Arthur would take it the wrong way.

Arthur didn't know how to react. Of course he had noticed the blonds interest in him, and it would be a lie if he said that the feelings wasn't mutual to an extent, but did he really mean what he thought he meant? His thoughts were running wild in his head as he tried to make sense of the situation. " Do you mean…"

"Yes." Alfred didn't need to hear the rest of the sentence. He had predicted that Arthur would be at utter loss by his sudden confession, and rightly so. After all, what right did he have to propose something like that when he knew about the issues that Arthur had with intimacy, especially after everything that had happened today? ' _Well, it's too late to turn back now,'_ he thought to himself before taking a step forward and gently grabbing Arthur by his shoulders.

"Alfred…"

" Schh, it's alright, Arthur." He hugged the shorter male tightly, and slowly let one of his hands make its way up under his shirt and let his fingertips trace the curve of his spine.

"Wait." Arthur tried to wiggle out of Alfred's embrace by placing his hand on his firm chest, but his strength wasn't enough to push the other male away.

Alfred leaned in and licked the side of Arthur's neck and lightly nibbled at this skin as he moved down towards his collarbones. Alfred's other hand quickly joined in in their explorations of Arthur's body as he moved them to his front.

"Please, wait…" Arthur was already breathing hard from Alfred's gentle touches. His warm hands felt like their were burning as they moved across his skin. He could feel his body trembling with a confusing mix of fear and pleasure. He didn't want to admit that the fiery touches of the american felt good, and the fact that some part of him indeed enjoyed it scared him. Arthur had keep himself safely locked away from any feelings of both love and pleasure, too scared of what would happen if he let go of the past. Of Emily.

While Arthur was lost in his thoughts, Alfred took the chance to tug Arthur's shirt off, exposing the pale skin to the chilly night air. He traced the slender chest with his hands and let them pass over the lightly coloured nipples which sent a shockwave of pleasure throughout Arthur's body, pulling him back to the reality.

"I'm so sorry Arthur. It seem like I was the wicked one all along." Alfred buried himself in the crock of Arthur's neck, surrounded by the comforting scent of his lover as he touched his hot skin. " But please believe me when I say this. I would never do anything to hurt you or force you to do something against your will." His hands suddenly stopped and Alfred backed away, leaving Arthur standing alone in confusion.

"I- I don't know if I'm ready. Alfred, I don't know if I will ever be ready," Arthur whispered quietly as he looked up at those ocean blue eyes. He felt so ashamed,pathetic. Why did everything need to be so complicated, so complex, when it came to his feelings? He did feel a light feeling in his chest, like the fluttering of butterfly wings, whenever the american was around, and he always felt so secure wrapped up in his protecting arms. But he also loved Emily, still after all this time he could not stop thinking about her, and that pained him deeply.

"I still love her…" The words just bled out from his lips like a barely audible whisper, but it was enough to spark a reaction in Alfred.

"And I love you," Alfred whispered, his voice trembled slightly as he tried to hold his feelings under control. He had known from the very first time he spent the whole night holding Arthur's shaking body tightly while trying to calm him down after a nightmare, that the englishman carried around a shadow in his heart. A ghost that haunted his dreams and that kept him from truly living.

"Arthur…" Alfred cupped his face with both hands as he looked deep into those green eyes. "it's okay to be afraid, and I understand. But you can't continue to live your life in Emily's shadow. I'm deeply sorry for your loss, I'm truly am." he leaned in to plant a soft kiss on Arthur's forehead. " But please, don't you dare forget that there are other people that still care for you, who love you."

' _I probably killed the mood with that one,'_ he sadly thought to himself. But it didn't really matter anymore. He needed to vent his feelings, and he was certain that Arthur had needed to hear those words too. The decision was now in his hands, and Alfred couldn't really do anything more than just stand there and wait nervously for Arthur to respond.

Arthur truly was at loss for words. The words spoken by the younger had stabbed him in the chest like a knife, painfully tearing his heart apart. Of course he knew how much his past held him back. Like a chain it had trapped him in his loneliness, whispering sweet lies in his ear at night to keep him from ever thinking about escaping. He was a prisoner in his own house, and the one with the key was nothing more than a fragment of a distant memory. ' _but, maybe…'_ he thought to himself. ' _... I don't need a key to escape. Maybe shining blue eyes and golden locks of hair is the salvation I've been seeking for so long.'_

"You are right." Arthur finally managed to sort out his toughs enough to give a response to Alfred's desperate words. He had lied to himself for so long, but apparently those lies weren't good enough to fool the american. " I did love Emily. She was my everything."

"Arthur…" Alfred started, but Arthur didn't let him finish his sentence.

"but the one I care about right now is you." His voice shook as he tried to hold his tears at bay. This was supposed to be a intimate and delicate moment and he didn't want to ruin it by shedding tears.

Arthur nervously reached out to gently grab Alfred's hand and placed it on his naked chest. "Please, continue."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Arthur didn't need to tell him twice. Alfred had fallen in love with the mysterious wizard the moment he first saw him in that forest, and naturally he had spent many nights dreaming about the moment he would finally be able to touch him. It's true that he had, during countless occasions, wanted to just reach out and feel that smooth pale skin underneath his fingertips, but the fear of messing his beloved up further and causing him more pain than pleasure helped keeping his needs under control. But this time was different. This time Alfred wasn't selfishly lusting for the other, Arthur actually wanted to feel Alfred's hands on his body.

"I love you so much, Arthur, don't you ever dare to forget that."

"How could I, with you constantly following me around like a lost puppy?" Arthur giggled as he nervously traced the outline of Alfred's abdominal muscles.

"Well, I guess I still can't quite believe it…" he took a few steps forward, guiding Arthur backwards to the bed where they spent many nightmare-filled nights together. Maybe this night would be different. Maybe this night, Arthur would call out "Alfred" in his sleep instead of "Emily".

The bed made a soft creeking sound under their combined weight as Alfred crawled on top of Arthur. He slowly leaned down and captured Arthur´s soft lips in a gentle kiss. ´Gently. Gently,´ he kept telling himself as he tried to keep himself under control. This was a big step forward for Arthur, for the both of them, and the last thing he wanted to do was to rush things or make a mistake. He let his hand travel down the slender chest beneath him, their lips still connected. Arthur´s body tensed under the strange sensation of feeling someone else's touch so close to his stomach and he couldn't help himself from letting out a weak whimper.

Alfred suddenly stopped, his hand resting on the hem of Arthur's trousers as he broke of the kiss. "Is it okay if I remove these?" he asked while studying Arthur´s reaction, looking out for any signs of discomfort or fear. He really wanted to just strip his partner of every article of clothing and show him how good sex could make him feel, but this wasn't about him. Sacrifices was something he had come to grown used to in this relationship with the proud wizard and that was okay. To be able to spend every waking part of his life together with him was rewarding enough.

"I-I don't know…" Arthur whispered as he looked away from the man atop of him, too ashamed to look Alfred in the eyes.

"I promise I won't do anything you don't want. If you tell me stop, I will." He once again leaned down to kiss him, but this time Alfred sought out his neck and sucked on the tender skin, leaving a small bruise behind.

"Ahh…" Arthur let out a moan and he struggled between Alfred's strong arms. He wanted the american to touch him, to warm up his cold skin and leave marks, but at the same time he was scared. The only person he's ever been this close with was Emily and she was… gone. Gone because she loved him. The word ached inside of his head, Taunting him, teasing him. What if people found out about him and Alfred? What if he would disappear too just like his beloved Emily? What if the cursed kiss of the shameless wizard would corrupt him too?

He began to tremble as the fear and the anxiety spread through his body. The words still chanting in his mind. "Gone. Gone. Gone."

Alfred took a deep breath and started to carefully pull Arthur's trousers off, taking the silence for a yes. "I love you, Arthur."

Suddenly hearing those familiar words filled with so much care and warmth helped him snap back into reality. The realisation of the situation he had gotten himself into finally hit him and he didn't know what to do. Should he run away or stay and see where the American takes this next? The mixed feelings confused him as he felt the fabric of his trousers slide down his legs until they were completely of.

"Are you alright?"

"I-I'm fine." Arthur felt so ashamed. Why did Alfred force him to answer all of these questions? Having to confirm every step just made the whole situation even more embarrassing than it already was. Alfred probably had a lot of experience regarding the matter too and here he was, scared out of his wits and completely clueless to what's to come. But at the same time he was glad that he did. It showed that he really cared and that made Arthur feel at least a little bit confident.

"If you don't like what I'm about to do, don't hesitate to tell me so, okay?"

Arthur only nodded his head slowly as an answered and closed his eyes tightly.

"You really are adorable, Arthur," he whispered as he moved on the bed, positioning himself right above Arthur's crotch. With a light chuckle he leaned down and kissed Arthur's underwear clad member. The wet and warm sensation felt good through the fabric and he felt his body craving more. He desperately wanted to feel that warmth, to feel those pleasurable tingles throughout his entire body.

"Does it feel good?" Alfred started to lick the fabric, tracing the outline of his lovers member with his tongue as he felt Arthur tensing up below him.

. "Yeah…"

With a slow steady pace Alfred started to move his tongue up along Arthur's thin body, leaving a wet trace behind as he started to gently touch the other´s lover half. Arthur flinch and shut his his tightly, desperatöy trying to hold his voice back. ´This doesn't look good,´Alfred thought to himself. `He looks like he's about to break any second...` He didn't want to push him further than he could take, but it was hard to resist touching the body that was so beautifully displayed in front of him. With a deep breath he started to pull down Arthurs already soak underwear, to which Arthur responded with a sharp intake of breath.

"Hush, everything is alright. You are doing great."

Arthur could feel a small panic rising in his chest as his member became exposed to the chilly bedroom air. ´What am I doing? Why am I letting him do this to me? I´ve never slept with a man before, I´m scared. His rushing thought got the best of him and his body reacted on its own.

"No, I don't think I can do it after all," he cried out as he tried to turn away from the man above him.

"Shhh… it's okay. It's okay."

"No…" Alfred used on of his hands to gently pin the brit down and kissed him while his other free hand slowly started to pump the semi hard erection growing between the other man's thighs.

Alfred didn't know what to do. I felt good, but a part of him was still trying to fight his body's natural reaction. With Alfred's lips pressed against his own he felt it hard to breath and the sensation in his lover region was driving him insane. So many new feelings, so much stimulation. It was all too much for him and he really didn't feel comfortable.

"You said you would stop if I told you to…" he whispered weakly as a tear slowly made its way down his slightly flushed cheek. He felt ashamed. Ashamed of himself for giving in so willingly to pleasure, completely ignoring the promise he made to himself- that he would never let anyone love him ever again. But mostly he felt ashamed for allowing Alfred to go this far only to later turn him away.

The movement of Alfred´s hand stopped as soon as the words had left Arthur´s mouth. ´Shit´, he thought to himself as he crawled off of his lover. Í went too far´.

"I´m sorry, Arthur. You seemed to enjoy it so I..." he began, puppy dog eyes looking apologetic at him.

"Just get out…"

"I didn't hurt you, did i?" He truly looked sorry. Alfred´s assumptions about him had been right. He was enjoying himself, and that was the problem.

"Please…" Arthur looked closed his eyes in shame, desperately fighting the tears that threaten to fall down his cheeks.

"Arthur…"

"Just get out!"

Alfred stared at him in shock at his sudden raise of voice. He didn't understand what he had done wrong. Arthur had been enjoying it, hadn't he? He had allowed Alfred to touch him and he had let out sweet noises under his touch. So why? Why was he now being thrown out of his own bedroom? His heart ached at the sight of his loving wizard, curled up in their bed with his back turned to him. He wanted to hold him, wipe away his tears and ensure him that everything would be okay. But right now, the only right thing he could do was to comply with Arthur´s order and leave the room.

As the door closed and the room feel in silence, Arthur feel himself letting go of all pent up emotion. The tears run down his face and stung his eyes and he didn't even bother to wipe them away. He curled in on himself and hugged his body tightly.

"I'm such an idiot."


End file.
